Igen and the Alphabet Soup
by Onion Riffs
Summary: Minatsu Shiina encounters a self-insert with a horrendous name.


_Minatsu Shiina ran back to the student council room to get her cell phone. _

_Damn, it must've fallen out of my pocket._

_Upon her arrival, she discovered that the pile of paperwork that had been present an hour ago was gone and the computer was on. She went to check it out and saw that there was a web browser open. It showed a story based on Negima, Sugisaki must've been looking for another harem story...She had read the manga, mainly for the action and soon found herself reading the story on the screen._

**Negi and the Shouckouw by Rednaxela**

_What the hell is a "Shouckouw"?_

It was another morning at Mahora Academy, with school starting, girls being late for class. WAIT-WHA?

_People are late for class. It happens. Why does the narrator act like this is supposed to be shocking?_

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. Running, running, running." A redheaded teen with two bell-tied ponytails said while she was running to the school while her friend was just trying to stay caught up with her.

_I guess the writer doesn't like Konoka, since there's nothing even resembling a description for her. Although maybe he just expects people to remember her better than the female lead._

"Asuna-san slow down will you?" Konoka yelled at Asuna as they were almost late for class(again).

_So it's a common occurrence. Why were you acting like it was something shocking?_

"No way! I don't wanna be late again."

_Well, that's understandable. Wait, Konoka has rollerblades. I'm pretty sure she wears them on the way to school...how is she having trouble keeping up?_

As they were running to the school there suddenly a small but noticeable breeze that went across their faces.

_I hate it when there suddenly a breeze._

"You're going to be rejected." A new voice was heard as they looked their right

_Oh, I remember this. This is the bit where Negi shows up, right?_

and saw a teenage boy that had red and brown hair.

_...or not._

Asuna skidded to a halt before she clotheslined the boy, grabbing him by the neck and lifting him up.

_My best friend's having trouble keeping up with me? Too bad. Some random jerk's saying something cryptic and vaguely insulting? Screw school, I've got to beat the crap out of this guy._

"What was that?"

"I was just saying. That's all you dumba-" before he could finish his sentence he was punched in the back of his head by another boy.

_"You dumbass"? Okay, clearly there's the writer's got a new character taking Negi's role in the sto-_

"Sorry about that. Negi tends to act like a moron at times and likes to butt into other people's business whenever I'm not here." The second boy apologized to the two girls before introducing himself.

_You've got to be kidding me. Oh, and lemme guess, his friend's the disgustingly polite, talented and handsome one, right?_

"So who are you and what are you doing here anyways?" Asuna asked the boy as they began running again while dragging a complaining Negi.

"Well you've already met the moronic Negi Springfield here. My name is Rednaxela Schyot and we're actually gonna be teaching at Mahora Academy."

_That's not Negi. You've kept his hair color and his sex intact. That's it. This isn't Negi, this is his evil clone...Igen. And what the hell kind of a name is Rednaxela Schyot?_

"How old are you, um?"

"Call me Red."

"Red-san just how old are you?"

"Just Red, please no honorifics. But I'm 15 years old. Why?"

[green: "It's not unusual for 15 year old boys to teach here, is it?"]]

"I thought you were in college or university."

"Well I'm actually in high school back home but I was put into an exchange student program in order to help the moron here."

_Shouldn't you be a student then? At a school that isn't just for girls._

They arrived at class 2-A after they let go of Negi so he could tell the dean that he and Red had arrived.

_Completely forgetting that Igen is a total asshole when the author's not around to stop him._

"Well while Negi gets things in order mind if I take a look inside you're classroom?" Red asked Asuna as they stood outside the classroom.

_"No, you're going to be teaching from the hallway."_

"I don't see why not but this class can be a bit crazy at times." She warned him.

"Don't worry. I can handle myself."

_"I do it quite frequently."_

As he was about to enter the room he took a step back as an eraser fell.

"Why am I not surprised?" He sighed.

_Because all poorly written self-inserts can see the future?_

When they entered the room everything went quiet.

"Is this the right classroom?" Red asked Asuna who was also shocked but nodded. Oh great. And in...3...2...1.

The next they knew the whole class had surrounded Red and were asking him questions.

_"Who are you? What are you doing here? Are you going to leave quietly or do we have to call the cops?" You know, the usual things you ask when a teenage boy shows up at an all girls' school._

"Who are you?"

"Rednaxela Schyot but call me Red."

"So where are you from?"

_I could be wrong, but when a boy walks into a classroom in an all girls' school, I'm pretty sure the reaction isn't a standard "introduce yourself"._

"I'm from Canada."

_"Yeah, they could've sent another English/Welsh/otherwise European person to keep an eye on Negi, but then my self-insert would be slightly off..."_

"Did you live in an igloo?"

"No. That's a stereotype that the Americans started."

_That's a thing?_

"How old are you?"

"How old do you think I am?"

"19." "23." "17." "20."

"I'm actually 15 but I'll be 16 in July."

"Cool right at the beginning of Summer."

_So, he's clearly not old enough to be a teacher, and still no one cares about why he's here?_

"I think that's enough questions for now besides I probably have to leave for my class pretty soon." This made all the girls (except for Asuna and Konoka) complain.

_Well, and Setsuna. Ayaka. Chachamaru...really, I could probably keep listing members of class 2-A who wouldn't be interested in a 15 year old foreigner who looks like he's in his 20's..._

"Aw, but why?"

_Oh, there's only one other girl there. That explains it._

Just then someone else had just entered the classroom.

"Jessiucanu why did you have to try to make us late for class this time?"

_Ugh...at least try to make the names sound like names!_

"You're about to find out. But just wait outside the class for a bit okay?" Jessiucanu said to her friend.

Red having heard Jessiucanu's name he turned around and saw Jessiucanu.

_Seriously, you can say 'her', we're not going to assume he turned to look at her and saw Chizuru._

"Onii-san!" Jessiucanu said happily as she hugged her brother.

_Oh, she's Canadian too. I guess she's spent a lot of time in Japan, since she's speaking Japanese to her br-_

"Nee-chan!" Red said as he hugged her back which shocked the whole class. "What are you doing here?"

_...Did Japanese become the main language in Canada at some point? Oh, and the two Canadians with ridiculous names are related? This is completely shocking. Shouldn't they have worked that out when he said his surname?_

"I'm going to school here. Isn't it obvious? You can come in now."

_...Really? They clearly get along and yet she didn't think to tell him that she's going to school in Japan and he didn't think to tell her that he's going to be teaching in Japan. Is there a word for this level of stupid?_

"Hi-o."

A teenager entered the classroom but when Red saw her he went wide-eyed for it was his friend/secret crush Shaneonwatea.

_Oh, so they're new to Japan then too. Well, that raises more questions._

"Shaneonwatea?"

_Most important of which, WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?_

"Rednaxela?"

_To people he's just met, it's Red. But to his friends, it's stupid._

They ran into each other's arms and to everyone's (except for Jessiucanu who knew all along) surprise Shaneonwatea kissed him right the lips. After about a minute they broke the kiss. Unfortunately Ayaka Yukihiro, the class rep, was not pleased by this.

_Understandable. It's probably against Mahora rules to bring your boyfriend to school._

"What the hell do you think you're doing to him you little-" Before Ayaka could finish her sentence Shaneonwatea gave Ayaka a look that said 'BACK OFF BITCH. HE'S. MINE.'

_...Something tells me the shotacon doesn't want your "creepy older guy who's pretending he's 15"._

"So you actually do like me?" Red asked his now girlfriend.

"Was that kiss not proof enough for you?" She asked kinda disappointed but was shocked when he kissed her right on the lips.

"It was more than enough Shanon." He replied as he smiled at her now blushing face. But he then noticed someone at the door. "ROOM!" Surprisingly the entire class except for himself, Shanon and Jessiucanu immediately went to their seats.

_Oh, they have not so stupid names too. And how does yelling "ROOM!" tell everyone to go to their seats. More importantly, when's this going to start being Negima?_

"Relax. You haven't changed a bit kiddo." Takahata said to Red.

_I will punch this "writer" in the soul._

"Oh shut it ya old fart." Red replied rather annoyed.

_Wow, it's a good thing we don't value politeness highly..._

"Well just be careful after all you and Negi are going to be teaching this class for the rest of the semester."

"WHAT?" Everyone in the classroom was surprised by what they had just heard from Takahata.

_This is so stupid it hurts..._

"Hooray! Onii-san is gonna be mine and Shanon's teacher!" Jessiucanu said as she glomped both Red and Shanon, who were actually glad that they could see each other everyday now.

_"actually glad"? Do you expect that normally, people who just started dating never want to see each other?_

"Man this is gonna be one strange year huh Shanon. Shanon?"

He didn't know but she was too excited that, words couldn't describe her joy but, she had fainted.

_By the way, are you ever going to describe these "characters"._

"I'm fine Red-sensei." Shanon answered as she snapped out of it.

"Red-sensei? Man it's gonna take some time to get used to hearing that." Red laughed at his comment.

As he was laughing Negi walked into the classroom and this made Red, Shanon and Jessiucanu look at each other and they smirked mischievously.

"3...2...1." And almost as if on cue the whole class had surrounded Negi asking him the same questions Red was asked.

"Okay, okay. I think that enough questions for you're English teacher girls." Red said to the class and they returned to their seats.

_"Your", not "you're". Dumbass._

After attendance was called Asuna raised her hand.

"Red why did you say that Negi-bozu was the English teacher and not both of you?"

_-bozu? Writer, you fail honorifics._

"I'm glad you asked that Asuna." Red said as he brought out his guitar. "Because I'm you're new Music teacher. Now then, some of the songs I am going to play are acoustic songs, one is by Eric Clapton, also for your homework assignment I want you to tell me what you think the songs are about. Got it?"

_It's 'your' dammit! And that's not what music teachers do! At least, no music teacher I've ever seen!_

The class responded with a resounding "Hai."

_Really? You couldn't find an English equivalent?_

"Good."

Red began to play the song.

[the lyrics to Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton were here, cut to save space]

_The students looked at each other, confused as to how they were supposed to decipher the meaning of a song in a language they don't speak._

Once the first song ended he tuned the guitar for the next one.

"That was amazing Red-sensei." Said Makie.

"That's an understatement." Asuna replied to her classmate. "He played that song like it was nothing."

_Okay, so the character's got super guitar skills, is super popular, instantly started going out with __the writer's__ his crush. What are the odds of him instantly being good at everything he needs to do?_

[Country Road by John Denver this time]

_No segue, no responding to the students' praise, just straight into that next song? And the students have just stopped reacting. I guess they've realized how screwed they are with that homework._

He put down his acoustic guitar and brought out his electric guitar and piano. "That's better." He said as he sat down in front of his piano.

_How the hell was he carrying two guitars and a piano without anyone noticing?_

[All I Know by Five for Fighting (credited to Chicken Little by the writer)]

_Seriously, I think music TEACHERS are supposed to teach...And how are they supposed to tell him what they think these ENGLISH songs are about?_

"Hey Shanon." Red said.

"Yes sensei." Shanon replied.

"I forgot to give you this before you left for Japan. It's something you practice playing."

"You mean my violin?"

_He was carrying a violin too? How much crap can this guy carry?_

"I got it the day you left only because someone told me that you were leaving the next day but when I showed up you weren't there. It was only after I realized that they had lied to me so that I could never see you again. But they never thought how you would feel, thinking that I didn't care that you were leaving to study in another country."

_So, you didn't actually forget to give it to her?_

"Well I think there's one song that could cheer us both up." She walked up to him and whispered something into his ear which made him smile and he gave her the violin he had bought for her and it was her favourite colour.

_And the sentence kept going on and it should have been broken up into more than one sentence and we never find out what her favorite color is and they played another song because music teacher._

"Let's do this Shanon."

"Right. 5, 4, 3, 2."

[Still Alive by Lisa Miskovsky]

Once they finished their song they decided to end the class with a duet.

[Side By Side, written in the 20's, credited to Bruce Willis]

"Let's go to Las Vegas."Shanon said.

The entire class roared in applause just before the bell rang signaling Music was over and English was next so they stayed in their seats (or in Shanon's case went back to her seat with her new violin, which was in a case) and took out their textbooks.

_How did he fit a piano in that classroom anyway? And why does no one care that they're pretty much guaranteed to fail?_

"Now open your textbooks to page 74." Negi told the class but before he could continue with his lesson Red's phone went off.

_You can see how Red's the mature, professional of the pair, can't you?_

'Yeah. Oh that's my day. That's my day. Whoo. Imma Bird Mother F(bleep)er. Imma bird. Look at me Imma bird. Look at me.'

_What._

"Sorry. I gotta take this everyone." Red apologized as he exited the classroom.

_And was promptly locked out so the students could actually learn something._

Outside the classroom

"This is Red. What is it?"

_Well, at least he's making whoever it is get to the point._

"Hey bro."

"Shugenatei. What's wrong?"

_THAT'S NOT A NAME DAMMIT!_

"It's about Dad."

"What happened?"

"He's dead big bro. He's dead."

_Wow..._

"How's Mom taking it?"

_You're taking this really well...odds of his sister being the only character to show any kind of emotion about this._

"Not well."

_...The only character we'll ever see._

"And you?"

"I'll be fine."

"When's the the funeral and where is it?"

_Don't worry about asking what happened..._

"Thursday in Japan."

_So...do they all live in Japan then?_

"I'll let Jessiucanu know. Thanks for calling and letting me know about this."

_That's still a stupid name._

"No problem. So I guess we'll see you and Jessiucanu on Thursday then."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

_And I have no choice but to assume he went through that whole "your dad's dead" phone call without displaying anything even resembling an emotion._

In the classroom

When Red came back into the classroom he wasn't his cheerful self.

"You okay Red?" Negi asked his friend when Red looked troubled.

"I'm fine." Red answered in monotone. "I need to speak with Jessiucanu and Shaneonwatea after class." He told the class.

_Huh, I was right. No emotion at all._

15 minutes later

Negi had asked Asuna to translate a phrase into English, she had only made 2-4 mistakes but Ayaka, wanting to be a Jennie (female jackass), was trying to rub it in.

_Jennie? Someone the writer knows I guess._

"Why do you even bother to try to teach a monkey-girl like her?"

"AYAKA YUKIHIRO!" Red yelled as he slammed his fist on his desk.

"Red-sensei." Ayaka nearly jumped out of her seat.

"Asuna only made a few errors but she was actually trying her best at this."

_Okay, that's actually a decent point...maybe he's not so-_

He's actually defending me? Asuna thought confused by this.

"Anymore of that and you will not like what will happen."

_Threatening students. What an asshole._

"Hai sensei." Ayaka sounded disappointed that she got caught

_Seriously, there's this word 'yes' it means the same thing as 'hai'. You're writing in English, so write in English!_

"Arigato Red-sensei." Asuna thanked her teacher.

_What did I just say?_

"Don't mention it." Red replied.

45 minutes later

When the bell rang, signaling that class was over, Shanon and Jessiucanu went to see what Red wanted to talk to them about.

_Why hasn't stupidly named person the writer knows #1 been renamed to Jess yet?_

"Red." Shanon said to her boyfriend/teacher. "What's wrong? You haven't been acting like yourself after you came back into the classroom."

_Have I mentioned that I think this character's based on someone the writer likes?_

"Onee-chan's right Onii-san." Jessiucanu spoke up.

Onee-chan? Jessiucanu must be thinking of me as a sister. Shanon thought to herself.

_Thanks. That added so much to the story._

"Well, it has to deal with what I was told." Red said to his sister and girlfriend.

_Really? I thought you just decided to be an emotionless asshole for no reason?_

"Who called you and what were you told?" Jessiucanu was being her curious self.

_I think the normal phrasing here would be "What was it?" Just sayin'._

"It was Shugenatei." Red prepared himself for what he was about to tell them knowing that he was breaking down as each word came out of his mouth. "He told me that Dad's dead."

Tears began forming in Jessiucanu's eyes as she hugged her brother hoping for comfort.

_CALLED IT!_

"Daddy." Jessiucanu couldn't control herself as she began crying into Red's shoulder.

"When's the funeral?" Shanon asked knowing how they felt.

_Again, perfectly normal first question, right?_

"Thursday and it's here in Japan." Red answered her as he comforted his little sister.

"That gives us three days before the funeral." Shanon grabbed her and Jessiucanu's bags. "Come on honey. Come on Nee-chan. Let's go find out where Red will be sleeping."

The trio were leaving the room but Red stopped at the door.

"Onii-san aren't you coming?" Jessiucanu asked Red.

"I'll catch up in a bit." Red replied as Jessiucanu and Shanon left.

Red shut the door.

_Minatsu shut the laptop._

_Sorry, this is just going from enjoyably dumb to painfully dumb...quick summary of the rest of the chapter, Sayo's the insert's aunt...despite having been a middle school student in 1940. Then things go as they did in the original canon for a while until the bit where Negi tries to erase Asuna's memory, Red shows up and uses his poorly written self-insert powers to instantly work out that she's got magic cancelling abilities. He calls Takahata out from behind the bushes, because he's one of 'a select few', which I guess refers to poorly written self-inserts, that could sense Takahata's energy. He breaks the memory erasing spell that's meant to keep Asuna from being traumatized by her past, which somehow causes her to fly into a rage and nearly attack 'the dumbshit', Takahata, the man who from what I gather was kind of like a big brother in those memories of hers and then he turns into a girl. End of chapter, still no description for any of the new characters._


End file.
